Today marks the second anniversary of his passing, and my world has never stopped bleeding around the empty space he left. I am forever trapped in guilt and self-blame. Every heartbeat is a cruel reminder of what I couldn’t save; every tearful breath a betrayal of his memory—I don’t know how I’ve survived. Life is so cruel to survivors. Death takes the departed in a single moment, but leaves the living to endure a lifetime of longing.
………………………………..
I remember the quiet strength of your hands,
Gentle as a whisper, yet steady as the earth.
Your mind, brilliant and sharp,
Could unravel life’s mysteries,
Yet your heart was softer than moonlight,
Generous, kind, and guarded.
I loved the way you moved through the world—
Elegant, handsome, alive with passion,
Each glance, each touch, a promise,
Each word, a spark of care and intellect intertwined.
You gave everything—your love, your brilliance, your humor,
Yet shadows walked within you,
A burden inherited, unseen yet deep.
I could not save you from the storms in your mind,
Though I would have given the world to try.
You never knew—how the silence you left behind
kept echoing long after you were gone.
In choosing to leave, you took pieces of me with you,
and my heart learned a kind of breaking
that never quite mends, only remembers.
I replay the past like punishment—every word, every silence,
digging for the exact moment I failed you.
Guilt claws through me, loud and relentless,
and regret spits your name back at me—
as if loving you harder could have kept you.
And I’m left here, turning it over and over,
finding no end to it, no answer that holds—
just the same questions circling back,
and your absence,
still louder than anything I can say.
No one will ever be you,
And I will never stop feeling your absence.
But I carry your gentleness and your light,
Within me, forever.
… In remembrance of my late husband Jim’s second anniversary.